Giving vs. Taking in BDSM

In a recent scene with Lupa, I was startled when she began to cry and told me that she felt she was selfish. While many tops would have undoubtedly been delighted by such a display, seeing it as an opportunity to punish her, I held back, curious by what she meant. I interrogated her, and she told that because she hadn't topped me in a long time she felt selfish. She was always the bottom lately and she felt that she was making me top her, taking the enjoyment of the experience all into herself. When I heard that, I realized a lesson was in order, one which illustrated the difference between taking and giving.

I slapped her, stopping her from crying further and then explained to her that she had not just taken that slap from me, I'd given it to her. I proceeded to flog her, to run a blade on her skin, even to whip out the secret toy, the one that she hasn't identified yet that can sting quite a lot. And through the barrage of pain, I patiently, and without anger, explained that all of this I did was a gift to her, a gift I gave her, because I knew she liked it and I wanted to please her, as well as myself. I even told her that her choice to be a bottom was a gift to me, precious because she freely gave it.

I explained that the only way her bottoming or me topping could be taken would be if we were forced to do it against our wills. In other words, if I didn't want to top her, but I was forced to then that topping would be taken from me. I would be forced to do it, instead of consenting to do it of my own choice and desire.

One of the most beautiful aspects of BDSM is the recognition of consent, the recognition that even the lowliest slave has freely chosen to be a slave, to give that gift to someone else. Ideally, no one can force that person to be a slave. Consent is one of the most powerful strictures of BDSM, because without it BDSM would literally be rape and torture. With consent, actions that could be considered inhumane are suddenly acceptable, and part of a person's experience of hirself and others. A layer of intimacy and vulnerability is opened and accepted when consent is given. What I give freely can't be taken from me, no matter how the scene may seem to show that.

Taking, as I've hinted above, is different. Its rape, it's forcing someone to do something s/he doesn't want to do, or experience something that goes against hir desires. If someone takes from me, they are doing it solely for their own pleasure or needs, without recognition or care of the impact it has on me.

Giving is sharing, something where everyone wins. Taking is stealing. It's an important distinction to remember when playing with someone, because it's so easy to cross the line from giving to taking. Choosing, for instance, to disregard a safe word or gesture for even strike on the flesh is taking...It's striking the blow past the tolerance or desire of the person solely for the sake of doing it for your own pleasure.The next time your scening, remember, even if just for a moment, what a gift you are giving to the person/people you're scening with. But remember as well that they are giving you a gift. Honor each other's gift by recognizing that each person has consented and wants to be in whatever role s/he is in, experiencing whatever it is s/he is experiencing. And after that moment of recognition give the scene your all with renewed vigor. I promise you that bottom will really feel what you're giving, or that top will appreciate how much effort you're willing to expend showing hir what is or isn't working. After the scene is done, look into the eyes of your play partners and mindfully acknowledge and thank them for what they gave you. They'll remember that thanks long after the scene is done.

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