By Taylor Ellwood
On the second index page of KinkMagic.com is a graphic which shows two lovers cuddling. The only sign that kink is involved is shown by the woman wearing a wrist cuff with a chain on it. I have to admit that I really like this graphic a lot, mainly because it shows a side of kink that I think is sometimes ignored in favor of focusing on the usual stereotypes of someone inflicting pain on another person: the trust and intimacy involved in a kinky relationship.
In the graphic, both people are holding each other and presumably gazing into each other’s eyes. They are engaged in a power dynamic where the top has control of the bottom. But they are also engaged in act of trust and intimacy. On the obvious level, it’s certainly true that the bottom must trust the top, given that the top is putting the bottom into subspace and has a lot more control of the situation. But on a deeper level, the top also needs to trust the bottom to communicate with hir if something is wrong during the scene. While many people in kink aren’t in a scene 24-7, there is always a need to communicate and resolve issues regardless of whether a person is or is not in a scene.
When I top Lupa, I always feel like I am let into a very intimate space. She is allowing me to see aspects of her that almost no one else has encountered. She is trusting me with those aspects, trusting me to play with her, but also trusting me to respect the impact I have on her in that play. I’m never more aware of that trust or intimacy than when I have put her into a really deep subspace. I know that while she is in that space she is so vulnerable that I can do pretty much anything I want and not really get much in the way of resistance. At the same time, when I top her, I show her aspects of myself that most people usually don’t see. I trust her with a side of myself many people will never encounter. I give her the intimacy of who I can be, a cruel disciplinarian, but also a devoted lover. I give her the keys to my heart, even as she does the same for me. The turning of those keys, the opening of the door, allows each of us to go into the heart of the universe. Indeed, the altered states of consciousness we have in a scene is part of that spiritual journey. We guide each other and ourselves into the heart of the universe, and in that journey have to achieve a level of trust and communication that can help us find our way back to each other and ourselves, once that spiritual journey is finished.
Even if your kink scene isn’t a spiritual journey, you nonetheless have to trust each other and bring each other back once the scene is done. The intimacy that occurs in the scene and in the aftercare is not as loud or dramatic as flogging someone, but there is a quiet, peaceful satisfaction that is achieved in knowing that you created a scene that allowed you to open up to the other person/people involved, even as they opened to you. Afterwards as you hold each other, as you look at each other, do you feel that glow? It’s not just the glow of sex or the after effects of an altered state of consciousness. It’s the glow of trust and intimacy, the connection, and knowing you gave something special and were given something special in turn.
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